


What the hell, Carlisle?

by StrangeBirdie



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Puns, Based off a tumblr joke, Crack, Drunkness, Friendship, Listen we need some Charlie swan appreciation in this house, i dunno how breathalyzers work, twilight - Freeform, when u gotta deal w ur friend's bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 01:37:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20899505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrangeBirdie/pseuds/StrangeBirdie
Summary: Our boy Carlisle gets drunk and apparently has a BAC of 100%How does Charlie live with this bullshit?





	What the hell, Carlisle?

It was supposed to be a good day. Or at least it was supposed to be a _normal_ day.

Was that too much to ask for? His daughter was a vampire, his grandkid was part vampire, and he was surrounded by werewolves and the undead!

He'd tried to be an accepting and supporting father, despite it all, but some days he just got tired. Charlie thought to himself, _It can't get any weirder than this, can it? What more can one man deal with?_

He should not have jinxed himself.

Charlie Swan didn't think too much of it when he pulled over another speeding car. It was 11pm. Things were slow in the town of Forks, Washington. Sometimes the kids wanted to go fast. No big deal, never mind that it was a nicer-looking car. He didn't think too much of it, that is, until he _pulled over Carlisle Cullen._

"Oh! Hey Carlisle. You were goin' a little fast there, think you could slow down?" Charlie laughed, "I'll let you off with a warning this time."

Carlisle paused, and started _giggling._ It was hysterical laughter, full of wheezing, as if Charlie had just finished telling the best joke in the entire world.

"_Slow down!_" he gasped, "Get it? Slow down! _Because I'm a vampire?!_" He fell into another fit of laughter, holding onto the wheel to keep himself from falling over. It was when he began to calm down that he bumped the horn with his elbow.

_HONK!!!_

Carlisle was reduces to a mess. Charlie caught the heavy smell of alcohol.

And it was then, and only then, that he got an idea. A ridiculous idea, but at least it was _something_ to explain what the hell was actually going on.

He furrowed his brow, "Carlisle Cullen, are you drunk?"

Carlisle didn't answer him, only coughing in reply.

_This is ridiculous, he doesn't even need to breathe._ "I'm gonna have to ask you to blow into this for me," Carlie held up a breathalyzer.

"Mmmmm' not drunk."

"Sure." A pause, "Did you know you have a BAC of 100 percent?"

"Nooooo?"

"How the hell does that even work?" Carlisle slowly blinked at him, so Charlie figured he wasn't gonna get any answers, "Whatever, I don't need to know that. Want me to drive ya home?"

"Uuuuuuuugh!" whined Carlisle, "I have sooooo many kids. Did you know that? There are sooooooo many."

It was Charlie's turn to blink, "I know. I have a kid, too?"

"Yeah you do! How do you do it? You know the one, Edward?"

Charlie was almost afraid to ask, but dammit he'd faced a werewolf and survived, "Yeeeeah?"

"Well he's always just laughin' at me! I'll say, _"What are you laughing about, Edward?"_ and he'll say,_ "Nothing."_" mocked Carlisle in a high-pitched voice. "But I know what he's laughing about!"

Charlie was close to laughing himself, but didn't for fear of not hearing the rest of the story, "What was he laughing about?"

Carlisle trailed off, "_Theeee fukin' potato fries!_"

And against all odds, even though vampires (as far as Charlie knows) cannot fall asleep, Carlisle passed out right onto the steering wheel with a resounding snore.

Charlie gave himself three (_three!_) minutes of his own hysterical laughter. He called Esme, who was on speed dial (surely not for the reasons she thought she would be there for), and sighed, "Mr. Cullen, you're gonna have one hell of a ticket tomorrow."

He didn't know what the whole thing with the potato fries was about, but as he visited his daughter and stepson a week later, the entire encounter still on his mind, he figured he was about to learn.

Edward was laughing.

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of [this tumblr post.](https://captainofsalt.tumblr.com/post/188138536529/vampires-really-should-be-able-to-get-drunk-they)
> 
> I loved this idea and needed to write a crack fic about it. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy <3


End file.
